Couples Counselling

EFT-C is an evidence-based Couples Therapy treatment approach developed in Canada by Clinical Psychologists Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. It is suitable across sexual orientations, sexual identities and different cultures. The approach has been researched thoroughly over the past 20 years with lasting outcomes of reduced distress in 75 to 80% of couples over an 8 to 20 session period. Timeframes vary depending on the relationship and recent and past experiences, and depending on the length of time the couple has been in distress.

EFT-C has a focus on creating an environment that is safe between the couple. It aims to understand the negative relationship cycles that long-term partners can find themselves in (attack/criticise - defend/withdraw). It is a non-blaming approach that facilitates awareness and ownership of behaviours, identifies hidden emotional experiences and thoughts, has a goal of reconnection, and can repair relationship ruptures.

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Emotion Focused Couples Therapy

EFT-C is based on Attachment Theory, which was developed by John Bowlby over 60 years ago. He emphasised the need for human beings to feel attached and be comforted by significant others. A child becomes distressed when their parent or primary caregiver does not respond. This signal is a survival mechanism. The child becomes comforted and soothed when the primary caregiver is responsive and provides love, comfort, support and protection. The same relationship patterns have now been shown to occur in adults. We have the powerful potential to both soothe and comfort each other, as well as trigger intense feelings of distress and disconnection.

Couples Counselling

Problems arise when we are unavailable to each other during times of vulnerability and threat, leading to states of disengagement and distance from one other, as well as critical attack and fighting. Primitive fear/ survival pathways of the brain become activated. An intensely distressed experience can result which may escalate into unbearably painful feelings. This may occur through arguments, criticism, jealousy, sex, money, control strategies and other issues. Our attachment needs to feel close and supported become unmet and loneliness prevails. Difficulty with trust, expressing our emotions and asking for the comfort and security that we need, can play a contributing role.

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Emotion Focused Couples Therapy

If these behaviours are maintained over long periods of time, they can become rigid and repetitive. A circular, negative spiral can become increasingly hurtful, traumatising and unbearable. It is these patterns that we unpack in EFT-C and facilitate change into positive cycles in which couples feel heard, respected, supported and comforted. Couples learn how to ask for what they need and want from their partners, and to tune into their partner’s emotional experiences and express their own, within a safe environment. The primary needs of responsiveness and feeling close and secure can then be found from each other.

Pain and wounds can be healed within a safe environment and with two willing, courageous participants. Less defensiveness and increased openness to each other allows deep emotions to be accessed, expressed and transformed. Problem-solving becomes more collaborative and compromise easier. A togetherness is formed, a strong base of skills to navigate any of life’s difficulties that may arise in the future, either in your intimate relationship or with family and friends.

Recommended Books

  • An Emotion Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us, Kallos Lilly and Fitzgerald
  • Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson
  • 7 Principles of Making Marriages Work, John Gottman
  • Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel
  • Back from Betrayal, Jennifer Schneider

Websites

Contra-indicators

If safety is unattainable in the sessions due to ongoing verbal aggression, accusations, intimidation or contempt towards a partner, EFT-C is not going to be effective, and will be discontinued. If repeated and severe incidences of verbal or physical abuse are ongoing at home, EFT-C is also contra-indicated and will be ceased. An alternative therapeutic approach will be recommended.

EFT-C is not effective if involvement in an affair is ongoing once therapy has begun.

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